Perfect End to a Perfect Day

The most wonderful day of the year comes to an end with my team as the victor. I believe I saw that Brody's team also won the murder races of Cleebork Day. Speaking of which, I can't believe they let him out! I was locked in that stupid base for fifty years, and I wasn't even allowed a small glimpse of the sun, but Brody gets to leave because he seduced one of the guards. And the warden. Also the executioner. Wow. (I can't believe he can't just walk out.) Apparently he has been busy... Anyway, December 30th is the day of feasting when every individual in our empire congregates to hear the Murder King/Queen of the year named. I love this time of year, it fills me with joy and team spirit!

Prison Update: Brody has had to be put in an even more solitary cell due to him knifing some of the other prisoners; which is completely amazing, by the way. He was in solitary confinement. So tell me, how was he able to do that when the closest prisoner was on the other side of a fifty - inch - thick, concrete wall?

Good News!

I get to leave my encampment just for Cleebork Day! Which means I also get to place first in the murder races! Sounds so fun! I have been practicing on my "friends" in Prison ,and so far I have been promoted to the rank of "Straight Jacket" ;which is awesome! I don't even need a toilet! I have a full body diaper! So, I hope everyone had a fantastic day! And I hope to keep you informed about the big day tomorrow!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

As you all probably know, December 26th is an alien's favorite day of the year, Cleebork Day! As part of ancient tradition, all aliens are summoned to their home planet and divided into two teams. The planet is then put into lock- down as the two teams face off and murder each other! (I think you have a holiday like that on Earth known as "Black Friday". ) Anyway, this will be the first Cleebork Day I get to celebrate since escaping Area 51. I'm so excited. Also, Happy Holidays to everyone!

Christmas in Prison

Tis' the season that I am in prison. I have been a complete failure towards my attempts to escape... So all in all this is the best CHRISTMAS EVER! I love a good challenge!

Army Update #5

Well, my gophers turned out to be spies... My days are coming to an end. I just cant handle this sadness.....But on the bright side! I am getting comfy in my new prison. (I figure Alexandra has already explained my predicament) And the people hear are so wonderful and thoughtful! There is one problem though. I miss my animal army. They sit outside my window calling my name. (they are starving) and they want me to come out. So, I guess I will have to give up a life of crime for a life of PETA.

Search Update Num. 7

Success! Knowing Brody can never stay out of trouble, I told all prisons to be on the lookout in case Brody was arrested, and he was! Unfortunately for him, it won't be as simple as walking out to escape. They promised to keep him in solitary confinement until I could retrieve him, which means that he will have no contact to further build his army. Your move, Brody, and you have very little time before I can get to you!

I'm coming for you!

Army Update #4

Well, after climbing the highest mountain in the middle school playground(and getting arrested for purposes unknown while doing so...) I finally felt like I had achieved the power to be all knowing. Which is sort of like Stephen Hawking minus the wheelchair. So, now I can spend my free time meditating. And after a full three minutes of meditation, I have decided that the next animal to obtain is the........................................................Household Goldfish!

A death machine in it's own sheer beauty

Search Update Num. 6

My sources tell me that Body is trying to form an army of random, wild animals. Hopefully they don't maul him to death before we can find him.

Army Update #3

Well, I am going to need a bigger army. I have decided to have six species in all. So far I gained the respect of the gophers and the wolves...What Next? So, I am going to on a journey to further find myself so that I may be all knowing. Wish me Luck!

Search Update Num. 5

This is pointless! I've wasted so many resources and he hasn't gone anywhere near Disney Land! Why do I continue this search? Someone else can deal with him. I'm done.

Supervisor's Note: Alexandra is not allowed to quit the search. She will find him or die trying.

No I won't. You can't make me.

Search Update Num. 4

I have a lead! Apparently Brody doesn't like to stick to his dream journal because he went to Disney Land instead of Disney World. 3.4 million down the drain! Anyway, my scouts have reported a large gopher migration heading toward Central America. Hopefully we can catch them.

Army Update #2

I am going to Disney LAND!!!!!!

Yay! Disney Land!

Army Update #1

Well, today I got a whole gopher kingdom to follow my trail! The only problem is that ever 6 seconds they stop turn, turn around, and look around very dramatically.

 

Sorta like this

So I guess that is one species down...Five to go...

 

 

Search Update Num. 3

It cost us over 3.4 million in American money, but I think it was worth it. I posted guards at every entrance and installed microscopic cameras on every surface. If Brody comes within 200 feet of Disney World, we will catch him!

Search Update Num. 2

I tried to interrogate everyone on the train Brody was on to see if they could give me any clues, but I got little information from my efforts. The only person that had actually spoken to him was admitted into an institution soon after, so forgive me if I am not eager to believe anything they say. I had some of my people strip the train and investigate everything in it to no avail. Afterward, we searched the entire North Pole, but the only thing we found in the house he was staying in was cheeto dust and used batteries. 

Search Update Num. 1

As of now, we have had exactly zero luck finding my partner, Brody. Seeing as how he is, I don’t think this is going to get easier. We had a visual on him yesterday heading for the North Pole, but one of the rookie pilots gave us away by flying too low. My best bet, now, is to grab a map of earth and throw darts, because there is no chance Brody will make it easy on us and flee in any type of pattern. Looking for clues as to where he might go, I sent some men into his private quarters and his old prison cell. The only thing of use we were able to find was his dream journal. One of the last entries told of his dream to go to Disney World. Maybe we should look there next.

Clichés

Well, I earned the honor of the wolf pack today. (which is a major Cliché as I have seen in many films made by your puny Earth community. (Also, sorry about the random apostrophe in Cliché...I can't find the dumb accent for it!) So, after earning the honor of the wolves I decided that I would build an Army of the creatures of the Earth. I will keep you informed on my progress! Gophers here I come!





FIX- My dumb fixed the apostrophe in Cliche' so this means all out war. With Gophers!

The North Pole

Well, today I decided I would go to the North Pole! It was a long walk! So, I just took the train instead. Which was still just as weird because it had some silly name like the Polar Express. The whole ride there I was surrounded by singing chefs and force fed hot chocolate. But it was worth it! So on the way there I looked out my window to see a golden ticket, so I grabbed it only to be bombarded by some evil brat asking me to give him the ticket. So I just threw it out the window and watched go to the back train cart and cry like a pansy. Which made me happy. After I was satisfied with his tears; I looked outside the window again. I saw the SUE spaceship. Which wasn't good... The space ship was so loud it sent a herd of elk onto the tracks which slowed my trip to the North Pole down. I then took the limited time I had, to get on top of the train. I then was standing trying to decide what to do when another random, dumb kid came up to me. So, being the nice person I am, I gave him a ski ride across the train which was humorously dangerous. I then waited till he wasn't looking and jumped off the side of the train. Then got attacked by some wolves.

Anticlimax

Well, I prepared all day today thinking that there would be some all out war or something. And so far nothing...at all. It is weird, especially because usually she over does it and employs every branch of military at her command or something... So, I guess I am just going to wait it out. Wish me luck. Or wish for a puppy!!! (I heard they are on sale!)

Rawr! I am on sale!

Missing Monkey

I have employed every branch of military I have at my command to find Brody, but there is still no sign of him. I can't believe how hard it is to find him! This is the same person who had to take his flying class thirty- four times because he kept crashing into moons! Yet, somehow, he has managed to become more elusive than Santa Claus. That gives me an idea, though. Note to self: Check the North Pole.

Heightened Suspense

Well, I have noticed a major rise in the  amount of SUE member around my makeshift home. And honestly I am a little scared. She wants to kill me.....With Murder. So as anyone would I ate a big meal and played Rock, Paper, Solitary. So I will just hold off until this all blows over. ALSO I AM THE MOST FAMOUS ALIEN NOT ALEXANDRA AND DOCTOR ROCKSO!!!!

Dr. Roswell

I didn't actually quit, but you could probably figure that out. The truth is, this was originally my blog, and I am not giving it up. Anyway, I didn't go in to a lot of details about my adventure through time because the post was so long, so I have decided to share the best details. After finishing the time machine, Dr. Roswell (he took that name after our visit there) and I got in and set the time machine to Roswell, New Mexico 1947. Whilst traveling through time, our time machine collided with a blue telephone booth (Seriously, though, any ideas?) and we veered off course and crashed in the middle of the desert. My friend was captured because he obviously can't play dead as well as I can. The local law enforcement then took him to the military base there and I had to come up with the best plan ever to save him. Being a brilliant tactician, I decided my best course of action was to dress up as Julius Caesar and infiltrate the base. Did I mention that I failed Earth History in school? Anyway, my plan failed instantly and I ended up having to kill everyone with a laser to get my friend out. So, that is the story of how my friend and I became the most famous aliens in history.

Life as a Free Man

Well, I am a free man. But I am so scared to go home to SUE. You know, because Alexandra is definitely planning a surprise attack. So, I am just going to keep my distance until the coast is clear (A reference I learned from a Sea man) But over the last eleven minutes I have noticed that life is hard. You have to work to get food. And stealing from people gets you in jail. (that's right, I went to jail again...Only to gracefully walk out) So it looks like I will have to suffer this normal person crap for a while. Also, we need to rise and destroy Alexandra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sudden Realization

She can just walk in and retrieve me from jail...

Back in Jail

I am back in Jail... It took about eight minutes; which is thirteen slower than last time. That is also bad news... But back to good news! I am in Jail and I am safe! I really hope this whole "confused" thing wears down some because I am sick of cavity searches.

This describes my pain...

        

                                                                                                  

Confused!

Well, my partner quit again. I am so confused right now. She must be confused as well! I just do not see why someone would not want to work with me! I do great things for her everyday! I place heart shaped suicidal notes on her desk everyday, and I even POLITELY! ask her to pay for our meals. I guess she might just be confused... OR. SHE IS TRYING TO OVER THROW ME FROM THE THRONE!!!! Must alert the kingdom. This is a big deal. What if I am in danger! What if she is going to kill me! I need to get somewhere safe...LIKE JAIL. I am going to have to cut this post short (even though it is relatively long.) Because I need one bucket of water, a crowd a people and a truck full of new born kittens...Pronto.

Brody did this to me...Lolz

Attention Grabber

Well, my colleague said that the other blogs are full of baby pictures and that is what makes them successful. (even though that will only work for about one and a half years. You know because they will grow up...Duh) But since it is such a big deal, she said that I needed to find a picture of a baby. So, after getting arrested six times I finally to take a picture of the most adorable baby.

Worth it

I Quit, Again.

Enjoy your blog, Brody, I simply cannot work with someone whose logic is flawed.

Piece of Advice, Don't Listen to Brody

I clicked on the Fert Master link. I read all of the posts, started laughing hysterically, started crying hysterically, started hemorrhaging from my eyes, lost one of my fingers, and then fell into a mini coma.

Only the Good Die Young

Not that any of you cared, but I am alive and doing very well. I am also happy to see that Brody didn't destroy our blog in my absence, but, like I said before, I don't expect any of you to care that I am okay (Brody cared more for the absence of our one Finnish viewer than my possible death). If you want to know the story, however, I am happy to tell you. A few weeks ago, I got a letter from one of my oldest friends saying that they wanted to meet with me. We arranged a meeting and when I got there, they were covered from head to toe in dirt and grease, and they looked like they hadn't slept in a fortnight. Then, they started telling me about their theory on time travel. It was the most brilliant theory I had ever heard. It involved supercharged subatomic particles, but, I don't want to spoil anything for you! Anyway, they asked me to help them, and I agreed. The first thing I had to do was tie up any commitments I had made, that meant quitting the blog (I hadn't died, and there was no evidence whatsoever that I had. Sometimes Brody's mind skips right over the obvious explanation and goes right to crackpot theories). After that, all I had to do was pack up and go. My friend and I were able to complete a working time machine in a little less than three days. The first place we decided to go was Roswell, New Mexico 1947, for obvious reasons. Anyway, while we were going back, we bumped against what looked like a blue phone booth, (Any idea what that was about?) and crashed in the middle of the desert. Having experience with this sort of thing, I immediately played dead. My friend tried, but he wasn't as convincing as I was. Long story short, he was captured, I saved him, and we have a fun story to tell! With that out of the way, I am glad to be back!

The Funeral

Well, today we decided we should go ahead and bury my partner...You see it has been two weeks and her body still hasn't shown up, so we just had an empty closed casket. I then proceeded to plant the flag of SUE in the dirt because of a ritual that Alexandra started light years ago. The ritual says that if someone on board of SUE died then we take them to the nearest planet and bury them; then right when the ceremony is about to start the deceased closest friend plants SUE's flag by the left of the body. I was surprisingly chosen to perform this ritual.

The Flag

After I finished performing the ritual; I noticed a group of homosexuals giving me a thumbs up. (This made me angry especially because it shows that just because someone is a fag they get to own the rainbow.)  The flag was designed straight after the supernova itself. That is why all of the black lines are different, it represents the way that space bends when one occurs. (Also because Microsoft Paint is hard to work with) I wish I could tell you more of the story, but I got drunk and started dreaming until I later magically woke up in my bed. But sadly all I know is that the death of SUE's favorite writer is permanent.

Advertising

In case you haven't experienced the life of someone with an overly active behind. Here you go. www.fertmaster.blogspot.com

A Few Problems

Well, I got on to my blog after a long day of mourning.(Even though Mr. Finland is back I was still very traumatized)  And after reading a few posts that I really don't remember writing I saw that if you were new to the blog then you would be very confused and often stuck with a spoiler alert. This seems to be a bit of a problem that I am going to look into. So, in the meantime please leave a comment telling me what problems you think this blog has.

Time to Change it Up

Well, yesterday we hit our lowest point...An unexpected one view. SO it is time to change things up! Give me one minute to consult my partner. Oh wait, she died. So, I am on my own. Good, because I do not need her to be the best. (I am the emperor...DUH) So, it looks like I am changing everything around. But not anything like America did when they switched and allowed a dominant democracy. (Another dumb thing that my dead partner sided with) So, as you sit at home and marvel at my brilliance  remember that I will be sitting here doing the same exact thing.

Guess what!!!!!

Mr. Finland is back...Relationships are hard.

Oh, Man From Finland

Oh, man from Finland
I love your left bun
For catching and settling you
Was so much fun

You love is but a gamble
And quite the feat
Because when t comes to your love
I just can't compete

Oh man from Finland
You're love was from a far
For you are days, months, light years away
Further than the furthest star

For I am but a stone and you are a rose
We aren't everyting the same
For when I send my love by arrow
I must be a terrible aim

If I express my love
Will you come again
For my love is sent thick
And yours is sent thin

I will just say I love you
And that will be okay
For I know somehow somewhere
You will come to me another day

BAD NEWS

Our dear fan from Finland is gone...

The Feedback

Every time I get on here, I imagine having someone that I have never met before post a comment...It has been some time now and our fan base has even grown some, but we still have yet to have someone post a comment. You make me feel more hated than a playful tumor.

Death of a "friend"...

Well, today my partner quit. Literally walked out and got hit by a car or something. I have really no idea, and that is because I am too lazy to even pee right now. But in other words...Alexandra is dead. There I said it, and not a single tear was shed. She was a terrible "typer" anyways. (She only got like 89 words a minute; while I got 90.7 words a minute. I got a decimal because when I was taking the test it used the word therapist and I accidentally used a space and got "the rapist" which I don't know what is so bad about, even though everyone made fun of me for it. Actually, give me one minute I am feeling curious...Oh my me...I am so sorry.  So in big bold letters

Alexandra has finally died

It's over

I quit.

Got My New Kidney!

Well, I GOT MY NEW KIDNEY. SO, I CELEBRATED WITH ALCOHOL! Apparently, though I was unable to get a hold of my partners kidney. So I took the kidney of a Zebra! I didn't really fit but, I used force and staples! Now I have a tumor. But I am alive and therefor still your emperor! So, I am winning. Thanks plenty~Brody's Tumor

Punch the Meat!

You know how my co-author said if we hit 1,000 views we would switch kidneys? And then we hit 1,000 views? Well, turns out Brody won't get that kidney after all. You see, Brody believes I am a "good girl", but that isn't exactly accurate. I can't go into a lot of details, but my body belongs to our government. I grew up in one of the poverty stricken neighborhoods of my home planet, so I didn't have a lot of options; I could either become a criminal or woman of the night, like many before me. I decided I was too good for those options, so I made my own. For years, I trained both physically and mentally so I could have a chance to be chosen for my planet's army, and, eventually, I was. I served for years before I was honorably discharged. Afterward, I enlisted in a secret branch of my planet's government. Even though I no longer work for them directly, I am still obligated to serve when asked. I am also not authorized to trade any of my organs with others. So, in short, Brody will not be getting a new kidney. Sorry, Brody, I know how excited you were...

You Saved My Life!!!!

WE HIT 1000! So my partner and I get to switch kidneys!!! Yay! You saved my life!!! Happiness for all! Rejoice to the sound of life!!! Also, please send prayers to Alexandra. I hear she may be getting a non functioning kidney soon...

"Blind Eyes Can't See." Obviously.

Watching Brody has been an extremely difficult and mind numbing job, as you can imagine. If you have trouble imagining, let me give you some perspective. Imagine an extremely tall toddler who curses, drinks, and steals, plus the fact that toddlers are insubordinate, unable to use the toilet, and refuse to go to bed when they are told. If you still believe I am overreacting, let me tell you the story of how he almost got me killed and your planet destroyed. You might have guessed that our plans are confidential, but you might not know how confidential. They are so confidential that, if I told you the color of the ink used to type them, I would have to cut out your tongue. Anyway, Brody, being the insubordinate little puppy he is, decided it would be fun to post every single one of our confidential plans on our blog one dark and stormy night; if I hadn't of stopped him from pressing "Publish", your planet would be a smoking crater with my dead body at the center. He is dangerous.

Walk Hard; Hardly Walkin'

Sorry, when I wrote "I walked out" I was so so so drunk. Like, I was head over heals inebriated. Why, you ask. Well, I will tell you! (This is the detailed version of I walked out) Well, I was in Area 51 for Seven whole days! (That is like three weeks I think, let me ask my supervisor..........Well, It appears he didn't come to work today...that's weird. So, I guess three weeks it is.) So after seven days of boredom I looked the guard in the eye and said"You sir, Are one sexy women" and then I got up and starting walking out. As, I was walking I noticed that everyone seemed to be asleep which is weird.(Must be because I was giving the "bird" to anyone who looked me in the eyes) So, when I reached the door; I turned around and bowed. And I Walked Hard.

I walked out.

So, like I said I exited the building. Not just exited, but nonchalantly. It seemed like everyone was just asleep. So I so easily cloakedand walked out of Area 51. I know, it seems like I had help, but nope I did it all by myself. Also, the title is non specific.

Idle Weeks are for Babies...

Sorry for not posting as often as you are used to, my loyal readers, but this has been a not surprisingly busy week. You might not have heard, but Brody's supervisor committed suicide due to the stress of watching Brody  24/7, so now it is my job to make sure he stays out of trouble. If you have been reading Brody's posts, you already know that he was captured and jailed in Area 51 in the Nevada desert. Considering that it took me almost fifty years to escape, I knew I couldn't leave my favorite keyboard monkey to fend for himself, so I helped him escape. Also acknowledging the fact that he would be too proud to accept my help, I did it as subtly as possible. Anyway, you can probably imagine that I have been quite busy as of late, but I will try to continue writing as often as possible!

Bail Out

Well, it turns out that Area 51 isn't as secure as they thought they were. Because I used my five dollar cloaking device and literally walked out the front door. I knew it would work because through history you silly americans are completely oblivious to the fact of just killing something, You always have to keep it and test on it. Instead you could do what SUE does and just kill it! It sends a message and proves a point! HASSLE FREE! I really have some work do to if I want to run this planet. Also, this title is false.

What makes me so bad.

So, as we all know I did something very stupid a while back and apparently this is the reason I am being punished. Well, the only problem is, is that I don't know what I did. And no one that is a part of SUE will tell me so please just leave a comment if you have any idea of what I did wrong... Please...It is for charity.

The worst day of my life.

Well, I am now behind another pair of bars, and thinking about all that happened today. Because today was the worst day of my whole life. I woke up and started pouring coffee into my hand when suddenly the door got busted down. While nearly spilling my coffee on myself(which would have hurt a lot since it was hot) I ran for my room. Right as I was nearing home plate a darkness fell before me. I woke with a light shined on my face (Cliche like those movies) ,and someone speaking gibberish almost like that trekky crap. Then after a solid fifteen minutes he stopped, stood up, and exited the room. I was then cuffed and hauled down the hall, out the door, and into a black car. Three and a half hours later we arrived at some dumb sounding place called Area 51. They shoved me into a lazer formatted bar room, and now I am here. Making this officially the worst day of all of my life.

It has been 11 days and I still have my coffee!

We will switch kidneys!

I just wanted everyone to know that my kidney is very near destroyed. So please tell your friends and family, so that I may quietly switch kidneys with my partner. I feel like that would just be a great prank. Also, this would mean that I would get a brand new (partially used) kidney! And then I could be your ruler for great years to come! Thanks many!~Brody

Thank you! Traveler!

Thank you, courageous traveler. For being the first person to vote on our poll! My gratitude is coming your way!

Everybody Celebrate!

I am now out of that dumb prison.(Dumb because it got me pregnant. I think I will name him...Osama!) But like I am saying I am out of the prison, now I get to be watched by my other half 25/8!!! Wait, give me one second...24/7!!! Yay! My life is currently better than it was before! Also, I get to have three minutes to use the computer a day! So that is a plus! So all in all good day! Hold on a second, I think they are coming to take away my computer...Yep. So let me just tell you something. The answer to all of life is the color brown! Don't you ever forget....Agh GIVE ME THAT BACK!!!AGH AH AGH OH AGH AGH OH OH OHAGH! GIMME!......................................................................................................................quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack................

Just a little bet

If we hit 1000 views my colleague and I will switch kidneys! Although I feel like it needs to be something more serious...Also, Guess what!!! (My Kidney is beginning to quit due to tripping and falling into the jagged edge of the urinal! So, if we hit 1000 we can potentially kill my colleague and I will be your ruler! Also, since they are joking when they say they are getting a new emperor. I think that are actually just throwing me a party!! YAY!

  Look it is my best friend and I! (I wonder what happened to him...)

Bow before your new ruler

So, because Brody was arrested, he has been forced to resign. Elections will be held sometime next week (There is never a set date, we aren't as organized as humans). I hope the next emperor will be more competent than the last, but, considering our track record, probably not...

Life on the Outside

Well, our favorite Keyboard Monkey is due for parole in two weeks thanks to his new outlaw of death. Unfortunately, due to the number of prisoners now being released who were originally on death row, there aren't enough parole officers, so now I have to watch him 24/7. I know I should be happy that he is back, but instead, I feel dread. I wish I could put him in solitary confinement somewhere...

Winning Life...Literally

I AM WINNING! THE WORLD IS MY PLANET! NO!!!THE UNIVERSE!!! Let me tell you why. I was just rotting away in my cell when suddenly my roommate waddled in and said "I can't believe they are just going to kill you. They should just let you suffer; you don't deserve the comfort of life!". After I was done killing him with the urinal, and getting upgraded to a five by five foot single cell.(They said upgrade and I disagree) I thought to myself that my old jail cell buddy (who's name is currently unclear to me) was right! I don't deserve to die...I am a wonderful person! So, I made death illegal! I am so happy that I am so smart. My silly partner would have never thought of that! But she is too much of a "Good Girl" to actually do anything as amazing as I do. Speaking of which, I remember one of the reasons I am here. It turns out that I "accidentally" burned down a hospital with a bucket of water. So until next time, your emperor! ~Brody

The Death of Unhandsome Account.

I guess it is finally over. There is only so much supreme power can do; nobody, even Brody, can escape their own mortality. I would like to thank the people of Earth for the learning experience, but I cannot continue the blog without my favorite Keyboard Monkey. It would be too painful. Anyway, thank everyone of you, again. Wait one minute, Brody's supervisor is trying to get my attention. What?! BRODY JUST PASSED A NEW LAW! He has officially made death illegal, therefore preventing his execution. THIS IS WHY YOU ARE BEHIND BARS. YOU ARE DANGEROUS.

Jail now offers computers!

Well, I guess I only have one month to live. It turns out that if you fire the executioner it can stretch the date of your execution. I guess they should have thrown me from my throne first. So as I was saying, I am inside SUE's  prison for mass murderers. Which I feel is absolutely ridiculous because I only ordered those deaths. This is all such a blur, though. My mind is wrecked, and I am still waiting to remember just why I am here. But in the meantime I am going keep firing people and stretching my execution date back further. Also thanks for all the letters and love I never got. (I must have done something really bad.)

Death Row Update

Okay, you know how I said to disregard anything Brody ever says, he is actually on death row! I can't believe he got himself into this! One night he went to one of your Earth bars and got super drunk. Then he stole my python and a cop car. I don't know what happens next because it has been classified as a government secret! How did this happen?!

MCGM has nothing to do with it!!!

My partner has been very confused lately. She is starting to make posts without any words in them. "MCGM" has nothing actually in the post so don't click on it and view it. Or you will just make her successful in fooling with all of you. Thanks in return.~Brody.

MCGM

I would like to clear up a few things my friend, Mr. Keyboard Monkey, has written. We do not actually live on Michael Cera's mustache. We live on a planet called "Michael Cera's Glorious Mustache". You see, many years ago when our ancestors first discovered intelligent beings on the planet you call "Earth", they used the waves from your atmosphere to learn everything they could about you. Anyway, one of the first waves they found was a broadcast of Michael Cera, and in this broadcast, they were discussing his mustache. Our ancestors were so moved by the obvious importance of the mustache (why else would so many people make such a big deal out of it) that they renamed our planet. And that, silly Earth babies, is why we refer to Michael Cera's Glorious Mustache as our home.

Death Row

I am on death row. The Supervisor turned me into SUE's police and I am being put to death for prematurely threatening Planet 768's (Earth) people. So here is my apology. I am sorry humans for scaring you and infusing your little brains with the information of our arrival. I never meant to hurt anyone. Please send me your thoughts and love through my email "SupernovaUniverseEmperor@gmail.com". I need your love and support. Thanks...

Paradoxes ruined my Life

I just learned of my first paradox... And I may be missing a few days on here. My brain couldn't comprehend the answer. And now I have AIDS. Please support me, I need to be in my throne.

Missing Pet

Has anyone seen my python? He likes to eat the inebriated.

Why does James not cease cracking corn?!

Hello, readers! I am writing to you in italics because, for some reason, the other keyboard monkey is unable to see italics. A word of warning, he is dangerous. Do not believe a word of his posts. I am currently seeking out the help of an accredited doctor. Maybe someday he will get better...

Please, Keyboard Monkey, end this pitiful facade! You are insane and you must admit it! Haven't you ever wondered why you have a supervisor? Haven't you ever wondered why none of your laws have ever been passed? Haven't you wondered why there are only spoons in your house? It is because you are dangerous! Your sponsors have told me to keep this a secret from you, but keeping it a secret only endangers more lives! You need help, and I can help you. All you have to do is admit you are insane, and I will get you the best help MCGM can offer.

Stop digging, you're already twenty feet deep...

To the other keyboard monkey working on our blog, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop posting the most offensive things your little puppy brain comes up with.

A few explanations...

     As a follow-up from my previous post I would like to explain to things. Well, you know how during Hitler's time there was a lot of "alien spotting". Well, those are real. You see, we were planning on arriving at your planet, but then Hitler went insane and we backed off. That is why there are no more sightings on your planet.

     Also you know how the only real footage of aliens is super crappy low definition. Well, one day I was getting very bored and decided to fool some people,(troll is a better term for this) so I went to the planet and watched people until they were completely off guard, and then I would show myself just so they would look completely insane mentally scarring them for life. Which is pretty light comparing to what my colleague has done. (She is insane so vote me!)

     One more thing. I have a cloak suit that I can make certain people see. And I would always go to my son Hitler's speeches. Well you know how during these speeches Hitler would always put an arm up real funny like. We'll he was trying to high five me and I would always pull off the too slow trick. Which is considered the funniest thing on my home planet.

High Five Dad!

 

Trolled silly cow

Hitler the famous pop star.

I am sorry humans... I read more on the pop star ,and it turns out that he wasn't who I thought he was. HE IS MY SON! I sent him to Planet 768 "Earth" as an experiment a while ago, and also wrote a big background story for him and gave him fake parents. Although it did prove that people that act as me, will be able to easily control you humans. But I must ask forgiveness because I gave him away without his consent. And while he was getting good at art and ruling the planet for peace; he was also finding out about me. The day he did find out about me was the day he just snapped and killed millions of innocent people. Which gave "SUE" a very very bad reputation. So we backed off from you humans and are waiting for the perfect moment to take over. Which is sad because I am just laying here writing a blog that no one will read, but if you do read this you will be prepared.

Is "Gangsta" an STD?

I did it! I have finally broken through and made contact with a "gangsta". I was just walking along in el pasillo when, suddenly, a "gangsta" walked straight into me, as if I wasn't there. He then called me a word which I believe is classified as a "cuss word". Anyway, after much study, I believe I have enough information to classify "gangsta" as an disease, possibly even an STD!

Tribute to Michael Cera's Mustache (my home planet)

Why hello there. I figured that you guys would like to know just how far from our home planet we are. So! I will tell you. You see, as my female colleague has already stated we live in a little place called Michael Cera's Mustache. I know, you may be jealous of us, but the evil ones have come to rule our planet...They are called the Razor...They seek to have the mustache all to themselves, but they don't know that they are actually ruining the mustache and the peace of our planet.

See, there we are.

Human Behavior Observations #2

In an effort to make people click on our posts, I will make this post longer than usual and will even include a box at the bottom with an interesting phrase made to make people go, "Huh, I wonder what that is supposed to mean,"! Enjoy! So, as I was watching the human Earth babies converse and fill their minds with new knowledge, an extremely weird one caught my eye. Every sentence he uttered was laced with sexual references that caused him to cackle uncontrollably afterward. I started to wonder if perhaps he was of a different species than the rest of the humans, so, I did some reconnaissance on the other humans. It turns out, all male humans in that age group are exactly the same! I tried to explain this phenomenon to the authority on human behavioral science, and he refused to believe me. He told me that I hadn't studied the humans enough and the fact that they are teenagers and male should not have any influence on their behavior, but he is a filthy liar! I know for a fact that I have seen enough to conclude that they act basically the same. For my next study, I will see if this phenomenon is present in all genders and age groups. It is really quite fascinating!

Teenage Boys, the salt of the Earth!

Human Behavior Observations #1

I have noticed a trend with teenage boys that I find difficult to understand. Why is it that they think they are, as you say, "gangstas"? I have researched the topic "gangstas" for years but have found very little information coherent enough to actually read. Usually accompanying the strange snip-its of information are pictures of pasty, acne covered, teenage boys in need of belts. I'll make note to look into this topic more.

I will be your Hitler!

I see your previous post, and you are definitely proving to be a threat. I will not stand for this! I deserve the throne and there is nothing you can do to stop me! And for the humans...There is also nothing you can do to stop me! I am now the all powerful. I will be more of an iconic figure than your most looked up to person. Which is Hitler, I think. I don't know but looking back through I see that he really got a lot of praise. But I will be your Hitler, Planet 768. ~Brody(Your Ruler)

To the person currently sitting beside me:

First of all, I am not trying to out do you, silly, I am trying to make the blog more professional looking. Second, I thought my intentions were quite clear. I have no desire to push you from your throne, I am only trying to observe human behavior. You see, ever since I was a small larva living on our home planet, Michael Cera's glorious mustache, I have dreamed of being ambassador to Earth. as long as you continue doing your best to serve everyone's best interests, I will leave you to your throne. If not, I will crush you like the insignificant little puppy you are.   ~ Alexandra

Dwarf Planet 553 is happier than me...

Well, my partner is already trying to out-do me with her posts. Two in one day! Who does that... Someone trying to over throw me from our throne, That's who. She watched all of Planet 768's episodes yesterday(A show widely popular in our Empire. Although Planet 9967's show is a lot more sad and dramatic. Give me another minute my dumb Supervisor is trying to get my attention....Apparently it is now Dwarf Planet 553 and you humans refer to it as Pluto. This is stupid...This is my stupid Empire!!! I can do what I want!) and she thinks of herself as Hillary Clinton. Trying to do a man's work with the full intention of good. But she is just ruining everything!!! Wait, give me another dumb minute my supervisor is coming... He said she is doing 237% better than I. Whatever, I can make a much better blog than her!!! Watch me!

We're Famous!

Welcome to Unhandsome Account, Planet 768!

Welcome, I am the Co. Creator of this blog. And as my other half stated we aren't from here. We are actually the accidental rulers of the universe. We call ourselves Supernova Universe Emperors, and for all of you acronym junkies, SUE for short. But all in all we are just here to make posts for one of our favorite planets! You! Planet 768! Give me a minute I am getting feedback from our supervisor... Oh I guess you prefer "Earth". It doesn't really have a ring to it though, we will have to work on that. But, for now just sit back and enjoy our posts!!!

Defenestrate the rule book! This is our blog!

 I know it is a bit unorthodox to post two posts within the first day of starting a blog, but forget the rules! This is our blog and we do what we want. Anyway, I was scrolling through random blogs, looking to see if I have screwed anything up yet and I noticed that all blogs had something that we lacked. More than one post. So, in an effort to look more professional, I have decided to post something else. I have decided to post a very disturbing fact. This blog, THIS VERY BLOG, is being run by both a republican and a democrat hoping to start their own website. Dun-Dun-Dahhhhh! I know! You are probably thinking to yourself, "How is this ever going to work?!". Well, my dear friend, I will share with you the secret to our success. We are both very dumb.

I love that new blog smell...

Welcome to the blog Unhandsome Account! As it turns out, making a blog isn't knowledge a person is born with, so, because I am too lazy to look up any kind of tutorial, I have decided to wing it! We, the aliens currently hovering fifty-thousand feet above the planet you humans refer to as "Earth", are fragile, and like all fragile creatures, would appreciate it if name-calling was kept to a minimum! So, enjoy the poorly written blog entries and feel free to give any advice you have!